On this page you will find short snippets of wisdom or humour sent in to us by our valued contributors!
Common Sense
Is a flower that doesn’t grow
In
Everybody’s garden
Yesterday is gone
Forget it
Tomorrow hasn’t come
Don’t thing about it
Today is here
Live it.
A wise man to his son:
“My Boy! When you accumulate the understanding to know why a pizza is made round, to be put in a square box, and is eaten in triangles, then my son you will be able to understand women!
Think about this:
If there is a „Health Food“ section in the Supermarket, what does that make the rest of the food sold there ?
Never look down on anybody unless you’re helping them up
A million kids want to clean up the earth
A million parents would love it
If they started with their
Bedroom.
Noah’s Ark : Everything I need to know, I learned from Noah’s Ark.
ONE: Don’t miss the boat.
TWO: Remember that we are all in the same boat!
THREE: Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the Ark.
FOUR: Stay fit. When you’re 80 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
FIVE: Don’t listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
SIX: Build your future on high ground.
SEVEN: For safety’s sake, travel in pairs.
EIGHT: Speed isn’t always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
NINE: When you’re stressed, float awhile.
TEN: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
ELEVEN: No matter the storm, there’s always a rainbow waiting.
When a woman says “What?”
It’s not because she doesn’t hear you
She’s giving you a chance to change what you said!!!!
Note to my children…
I told you that I DO NOT have Alzheimer’s
I have some-timers
Sometimes I remember
And sometimes I don’t !!!!!
Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning to dance in the rain.
PARENTS!!!!!
A dedicated Mum is the one who helps her children look for their chocolate…that she ate last night
Dad goes to a First Aid Course. “What would you do if your child swallowed the door key” the instructor asks. Dad answers quick as a flash. “ I’d climb in through the window”
When I was little I often watched the Wizard of Oz and wondered how someone could talk if they didn’t have a brain.
Then I got Facebook!!!!
Husband to wife “ Why do you keep buying plants when you just end up killing them?”
Wife to Husband “Just to remind you what I’m capable of!!”
Perhaps the butterfly is proof that you can go through a great deal of darkness and still become something beautiful
I do not know what lies ahead,
The way I cannot see;
Yet One stands near to be my guide,
He’ll show the way to me:
I do not know how many days
0f life are mine to spend;
But One who knows and cares for me
Will keep me to the end:
I do not know the course ahead,
What joys and griefs are there;
But One is near who fully knows,
I’ll trust His loving care:
My ability to remember song lyrics from the 60s far exceeds my ability to remember why I walked into the kitchen!!!
We’re all a little broken, but the last time I checked, broken crayons still colour.
Technically, Moses was the first person with a tablet downloading data from a cloud.
There are four very important words in life:
Love, honesty truth and respect
Without these in your life you have nothing.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right..and the other person
is the Husband!
Don’t lose your present to your past – live in the now while you can.
Sometimes you have to let go of the picture of what you thought life would be like and learn to find joy in the life you’re living.
Husbands are the best people to share secrets with. They’ll NEVER tell anyone because they don’t LISTEN.
Not wanting to brag but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there.
It was the bathroom but still…..
Don’t you just hate it when you can’t work out how to use the iPad and the resident Tech expert is asleep ….
because he’s only 5 and it’s past his bed time!!!
Once a Yorkshireman always a Yorkshireman
An old Yorkshireman was s lying in his bed, dying.
With a very weak voice he asked
“Is my wife here?”
“Yes I’m here “she replied.
“Are my children here?” he asked.
“Yes, they’re all here” she answered.
“Are all my grandchildren here” he asked next.
Yes” they replied “we’re all here Grandad”
“Well why is the kitchen light still on then??”
Don’t ever save anything for a special occasion.
Being alive is a special occasion
Today Eight year olds are asking for the latest iPhone
When I was eight I thought I’d won the Lottery if I got a BIRO.
I know, don’t get technical on me, there wasn’t a Lottery when I was 8
Irish wishes:
Work like you don’t need the money.
Love like you’ve never been hurt.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Sing like nobody’s listening.
Live like it’s heaven on earth.
May there always be work for your hands to do.
May your purse always hold a coin or two.
May the sun always shine on your windowpane and a rainbow be sure to follow the rain.
And lastly – May you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you’re dead…..
I only know the names of two angels” said little Greg.
“Hark & Harold”
Life is like a party. You invite a lot of people
Some come early, some stay late,
Some laugh with you and some laugh at you
But in the end, after the fun, a few stay and help you clear up the mess.
Often they aren’t even the ones who made the mess
These are your true friends, the ones who matter.
They are your real friends
Catching her little girl in the act Mummy asked “Are you opening your little sister’s Christmas presents?”
“No” she replied indignantly “I’m just teaching her how to share”
A little boy forgot his lines in the school Nativity play.
His Mum, sitting at the front tried to prompt him, mouthing his words—but nothing happened so she leaned forward and whispered “ I am the Angel Gabriel”
The little boy gave a big smile and said triumphantly “My Mummy’s the Angel Gabriel”
The Minister asked the Sunday School class “Why was Jesus born in Bethlehem?”
“Because His mother was there” replied one little boy.
You can’t fault that!!
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
You can be sure that either the car is new, or the wife.
Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife darling, honey, luv… What’s the secret?”
Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her.”
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
I’d rather look back at my life and say “ I can’t believe I did that” instead of saying “ I wish I’d done that”
Though there might be the odd one or two things I’m a bit iffy about!!!!!!!
University is great because you’re effectively an unemployed alcoholic but your parents are proud of you.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m a reasonably intelligent person who does moderately stupid things on a semi-regular basis.
But then..don’t we all!!
Always Smile
Life isn’t always full of reasons to smile
But your smile itself is reason enough for others to smile too.
Research has shown that laughing for 2 minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog
So now I sit in the park and laugh at all the joggers!
An elderly lady was in the Confessional Box in her church.
“Bless me Father for I have sinned, Last night I killed a Politician”
“My daughter” the priest replied, “I’m here to listen to your sins, not your Community Service Work”.
Children have all the answers
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louis, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand…
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your maths multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
Marriage is like a deck of cards.
In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.
By the end you wish you had a club and a spade.
God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world – Then he made the earth round –and He laughed and laughed and laughed.
Pharmacist to Customer
Sir, you need a prescription before I can supply anti-depression tablets, showing me your marriage certificate and a a photograph of your wife just isn’t enough
I know there are terrible people out there, but listen. I also know that there are people who stop and smile at tiny plants growing out of pavement cracks, people who laugh so loud that they snort, people who compliment others randomly, people who ramble about things that they’re passionate about, people who blush and stutter, people who are kind, people who are warm, people who love and love and love and love.
Unknown
Be strong but not rude
Be kind but not weak
Be humble but not timid
Be proud but not arrogant
EARLY RISING..Is it good for us?!!
The difference between rising every morning at 6am and 8am in the course of 40 years, amounts to 29,200 hours or 3 years, 121 days and 16 hours, which is equal to eight hours a day for exactly ten years. So rising at six will be the same as if 10 years were added to your life.
Taken from The Bramley Almanac for 1869
I’ve seen better days..but I’ve also seen worse I don’t have everything I want…but I do have everything I need.
I woke up with some aches and pains….but I woke up
My life might not be perfect but I’m blessed
As I’ve got older I’ve been thinking I’m becoming lazy
But I’ve found that I’m just becoming more energy efficient.
A little quote for all our men…but especially for one who sits at the back.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
Two things to remember in life
Take care of your thoughts when you’re alone
and
Take care of your words when you’re with people
A smile is the lighting system of the face and the heating system of the heart
You can’t beat them!!
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It’s the same dog.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
Men’s ideas on Marriage
There are 3 kinds of men in this world.
Some remain single and make wonders happen.
Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.
The rest get married and wonder what happened!
Wives are magicians.
They can change anything into an argument.
Question..Why do women live a Better, Longer & More
Peaceful Life, compared to men?
A man’s answer “Because Women don’t have a wife!”
When a married man says, I WILL THINK ABOUT IT – what he really means is
that he doesn’t know his wife’s opinion yet.
But where would you be without us???
Growing old is hard work. The mind says “YES” but the body says
“What on earth are you thinking about???”
The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they have just passed.
The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.
4 things you can’t get back:
The occasion after it’s missed
The stone after it’s thrown
The word after it’s said
The life after it’s gone.
Good people sometimes make bad decisions
They mess up and they let others down.
But that doesn’t make them bad
people that makes them HUMAN.
Everyone of us makes mistakes
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have become really good friends.
To be happy
You must let go of what’s gone
Be grateful for what remains
And look forward to what’s coming next.
“Cash or Card” the cashier asked as she folded the garments into a bag. The customer searched in her handbag as women often do and the cashier noticed the TV remote amongst all the other essentials. “Do you always carry that with you?” she asked. “No but my husband wouldn’t come shopping with me and I thought this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.
“Don’t mess with women.
What love means to 4 to 8 year olds.
You shouldn’t say you love someone unless you mean it. But if you DO mean it you should say it a lot. People forget. I know my big sister loves me cos she gives me all her old clothes…then she has to go our and buy some new ones
Family isn’t always blood It’s people in your life who want you in theirs; the ones who accept you for who you are The ones who would do anything to see you smile And who love you no matter what.
‘All who journey from one beginning to another in a life of communion with Jesus, the Christ, have no need to focus on their own progress or backsliding. By day and by night the Gospel seed, placed in the depths of their being, sprouts and grows.’
Brother Roger of Taize
Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their trolleys around Tesco when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”
The young guy says, “That’s OK, it’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too…I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”
The old guy says, “Well, maybe I can help you find her… what does she look like?”
The young guy says, “Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom…wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?’
To which the old guy says, “Doesn’t matter,— let’s look for yours.”
A keen sense of humour helps us overlook the unbecoming, understand the unconventional, tolerate the unpleasant, overcome the unexpected and outlast the unbearable. – Billy Graham
There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.
For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt .
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, ‘My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him £50.’
The second boy says, ‘That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him £100.’
The third boy says, ‘I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!’(Well maybe not eight in our case!!)
Now that I’m older, here’s what I’ve discovered:
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran
It was a whole lot easier to get older, than it was to get wiser
Words to Live By
Bed is a magical place where you can suddenly remember all the things you were supposed to do.
Sometimes the first step towards forgiveness is to realise that the other person was born stupid
Lying around, pondering the problems of the world,
I realized that, at my age, I don’t really care anymore.
If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, and drinks water, but is still fat.
A rabbit runs, and hops, and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn’t run, and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.
And they tell us to exercise? I don’t think so.
Childrens’ ideas of what love is.
“Love is what’s in the room at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen”
A keen sense of humour helps us overlook the unbecoming, understand the unconventional, tolerate the unpleasant, overcome the unexpected and outlast the unbearable.
Billy Graham
Wise words for older people – not any of us of course.
I thought growing old would take longer.
Growing old is hard work. The mind says “Yes” but the body says “What the hell are you thinking”
I wonder what people who text “U” instead of “You” do with all the time they save!!!
After 10 years, the wife starts to think their child looks a bit different so she decides to do a DNA test.
The results show that he’s from completely different parents.
Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.
Husband: What’s up?
Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our child.
Husband: Well you don’t remember, do you?? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had filled his nappy. Then you said: “Please go change the baby, I’ll wait here.” So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.
Moral: Never give a man a job that doesn’t belong to him.
We cannot choose how many years we will live, but we can choose how much life those years will have.
John Maxwell
Electronic Spell Checker
I have a spelling chequer
It came with my PC
It checks out all of my miss takes
The ones I cannot sea
Eye put this poem threw it
I’m shore your pleased to no
It’s rite in every detail
My chequer told me sew
Martin Luther said:
When I wake up, the devil comes and argues with me, until I say: Get lost.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home, and when he grows up, he’ll never be able to merge his car onto the motorway
Children on Love
If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate. Nicki, aged 6
Perhaps we could all learn from that!!
Amusing Musings
There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ” XL.”
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
What Martin Luther said:
I love music, music is next to God’s Word the highest treasure on earth. God’s Word needs to be preached and sung, for the word is intellect, but the song is feeling. Both need to join to move the soul.
What Martin Luther also said:
Holy Scripture is a river, where an elephant has to swim, but a lamb can walk. If I knew that the world is coming to an end tomorrow, I would still plant my apple tree today.
Taken from a genuine Court Report…in America of course!!!
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
No matter how good or bad your life is, wake up each morning and be thankful you still have one
You don’t stop laughing because you grow old..
You grow old because you stop laughing!
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, ‘What do you think about all this Satan stuff?’ The other boy replied, ‘Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It’s probably just your Dad.’
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to ‘Honour thy father and thy mother,’ she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’ Without missing a beat, one little boy answered,
‘Thou shall not kill.’
A police recruit was asked during the exam,
‘What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?’
He answered, ‘Call for backup.’
Sensible child!!!
The happiest people don’t necessarily have the best of everything They just make the best of everything they have
The integrity of God’s love will not permit him to be angry. I saw that it is contrary to the nature of his power, his wisdom and his goodness to be angry. God is the goodness that may not be angry, for he is nothing but goodness. … If God were to be angry but for a moment we could not live, endure or be.
Julian of Norwich
These were actually said In an American Court.
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
It’s better to let someone think you’re an idiot than to open your mouth and prove it!!
“Holy Spirit, deep within us there is a longing, the longing to know inner freedom through you. This freedom is so essential for our lives: it opens the way to a springtime of the heart.”
Brother Roger of Taize.
Give my sight to the man who has never seen a sunrise, a baby’s face, or love in the eyes of a woman.
Give my heart to a person whose own heart has caused nothing but endless days of pain.
Give my blood to the teenager who was pulled from the wreckage of his car, so that he might live to see his grandchildren play.
Give my kidneys to one who depends on a machine to exist from week to week.
Take my bones, every muscle, every fibre and nerve in my body and find a way to make a crippled child walk.
If you must bury something, let it be my faults, my weaknesses, and all prejudice against my fellow man.
Give my sins to the devil.
Give my soul to God.
If, by chance, you wish to remember me, do it with a kind deed or word to someone who needs you. If you do all I have asked, I will live forever.
Robert N. Test
Practice the Pause
When in doubt, pause
When angry, pause
When tired, pause
When stressed, pause
And when you pause
Pray
A husband should always carry a photo of his wife and children in his wallet. It’ll remind him why there’s no money in there
At a wedding ceremony, the Priest asked the congregation if there was anyone who had anything to say regarding the union of the two. All hell broke loose when a woman from the back of the church started walking towards the front with a child. You could have heard a pin drop! The bride fainted! The minister asked the woman if she had anything to say.
She answered, “We can’t hear anything at the back.”
Thought
When tirelessly the Church listens, heals and reconciles, it becomes what it is at its most luminous – a communion of love, of compassion, of consolation, a limpid reflection of the Risen Christ.
Never distant, never on the defensive, freed from all forms of severity, the Church can let the humble trusting of faith shine right into our human hearts.
Brother Roger of Taize
A man goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”
The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”
The man replied, “My wife is going to poison me.”
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?”
The man then pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s going to poison me. What should I do?”
The Rabbi then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”
A week later the Rabbi calls the man.
He says, “I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?”
The man said, “Yes” and the Rabbi replied,“Take the poison.”
God’s Plan For Aging
Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom, God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things, thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom, He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things, requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.
So, if you find as you age you are getting up and down more, remember it’s God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.
Brains of older people are slow because they know so much. People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe this also makes you hard of hearing as it puts pressure on your inner ear.
Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full, so too, do humans take longer to access information when their brains are full.
I’m sticking with this and I’m sure most of you will too
Beautiful English: I called an old school friend on the telephone and asked him what he was doing. He replied that he is working on “Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics,aluminium and steel under a constrained environment.”
I was impressed….
On further inquiring, I have learned that he was washing dishes, and pots, and pans, with hot water… under his wife’s supervision.
Jesus, light of our hearts, since you rose from the dead, you have never stopped coming to us. Whatever point we may be at, you are always waiting for us. And you tell us: ‘Come to me, you who are overburdened, and you will find relief.’
Brother Roger of Taize
Jesus, Love of all loving, in the ploughed up earth of our lives you come to place the trusting of faith. A small seed at first, faith can become within us one of the unmistakable Gospel realities. It sustains the inexhaustible goodness of a human heart.
Brother Roger of Taize
Absolutely NO reflection on any choir we know!!!!
“At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.”
“This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.”
Really?!?!? – Ed
“A smile is the lighting system of the face and the heating system of the heart”
Don’t worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.
St Hilda's Church, Halifax 